Progress Report

Okay, so I probably didn't explain about the appetite suppressants too clearly in my last posting, but just to re-iterate, they're herbal and they contain no gurana, caffeine or any "speed" like product. They're simply an extract from some wild exotic fruit rind, and about as useful.

After spending a small fortune on a month's supply of this product I can report (albeit, not "cheerfully") that I might have had better results if I'd used actual speed. I am at the same weight as when I started.

I have decided that the only way I'm going to shift this weight is start by making every meal vegetable-based and add some protein (rather than the other way around). This should also go someway to ensuring that I have my 5 vegetable serves a day.

Having spend so many years starving myself, and living with anorexia and bulimia, I have developed the ability to ignore hunger and have a much reduced ability to understand when I have had enough to eat (due to my body compensating for the starvation buy storing away fat supplies for the next round of self-induced famine).

I have been extraordinarily stressed-out over the last 4 months and I suspect that it has something to do with all the emotional issues I have with my weight - I could go into it all, but mostly, it's personal and as such really only relevant to me. I will say that having had a Father who made me very aware all of his life that being even slightly over-weight made me "less good" in his eyes has played a lot on my sense of self-worth and body hatred.

I also realise after much therapy/discussion/cups of tea with a fellow recovering bulimic that it's very likely that my Father also suffered from an eating disorder. I know that he certainly jumped on every weird food craze that was going around in the 80s and followed me into the Herbalife shake & pills weight loss program. He was obsessed with watching what I ate, even when he was dying he was still lecturing me about eating too much (I was breastfeeding at the time and I dared to have 1 1/2 toasted sandwiches in front of him).

Whilst I can intellectualise that on some level my Father thought he was doing the right thing for me I also know that he must have known the damage his words were having on me. To this day I still think that skinny girls have happier lives than normal-weight or over-weight girls do (which is clearly wrong - When was the last time that you saw Posh Spice smile? The woman is miserable!).

I have set myself a mini-goal to lose 6 kilos by August. I'm hoping that this smaller more achievable goal will re-focus my efforts and provide a moral boost.

Exercise wise- I'm trying to get to the gym first thing in the morning, before breakfast, to kick-start the metabolism and make it strip off fat stores to get the energy from there first. It's a fucking nightmare getting up at 4:30am (I have to walk the dog first!) but I have decided that it's all about balancing my "wants" i.e.:

1. I have to want to be slim, toned, and fit more than I want to sleep-in
2. I have to want to be slim more than I want to snack on chocolate
3. I have to want to be a happy slim person more than wanting to stay in my current situation

Tomorrow morning I'm going to try a RPM spin class at 5:25am, if that doesn't strip some fat off I don't know what will.

Wish me luck.

Kate

Well, Fuck Me !!!

Pardon the French, but frankly, I'm pissed off. I've managed to gain back the 1 1/2 kilos that I recently lost after much strenuous gym effort.

So what happened?

*I didn't weight myself for 3 days (I normally weigh myself every day)

*I ate bread & butter pudding (but made on skim milk, no butter and gluten free bread)

*I didn't do any cardio workouts for 3 days (due to total and utter exhaustion from an earlier boxing workout where I over did it)

* I left my appetite suppressants at home on those 3 days

Fuck Fuck Fuck !!!

This is so unbelievably boring. I have been dieting and exercising for 18 months and frankly, I'm so totally over it. Of course, I won't be quitting because the alternative is more depressing than diet and exercise, but Gods, I would do anything to be someone who doesn't have to worry about this sort of crap.

The exhaustion brought about by the PVS affects my abilities to exercise - I can do about 1/2 an hour of cardio and 1/2 an hour of gym work in a day and that is it, otherwise I wind up trying to recover for 3 days afterwards.

I know some of you must wonder why on earth I do it to myself. Well, I'll tell you why - I simply cannot go back to being that miserable fat girl that I was in 2005. I couldn't shop in regular clothing shops, going out was a nightmare - trying to make myself look attractive, and I was sick to death of the snide fat jokes at my expense. I am glad that there are fat-campaigners out there, doing what they can to make life easier for overweight individuals, but frankly, I'm rather battle on to be in the 10 percent of people that lose weight and keep it off for more than 5 years.

It just doesn't seem to be getting any easier at the moment.

I have taken up knitting as a distraction and hopefully I will create lots of masterpieces and distract myself from my obsession with wintery puddings. Mmmm, pudding.

Until next time,

Kate