Okay, so I haven't posted in a very long time. I have been doing other things, mostly study, and deciding about the direction my life is taking.
I have gained weight, but I suspect that anyone who's seen me in the last 10 months will have noticed that.
Why? Well, all the usual reasons, but I've examined them and they all focus around 3 main areas.
1. Goal setting - if I don't make weight loss the first priority in my life then it doesn't work for me. Putting other's needs ahead of mine, and even other requirements (such as university) stops me from achieving my goals.
From now on, my thoughts are going to be focused on this goal and everything else will need to come second.
2. Portion Distortion - I have to work on my portion sizes again and understanding what I need to survive, and somehow learn to walk away when I'm no longer hungry.
3. Stress Eating - I am a stress eater, ever since I stopped smoking (many, many years ago) I have substitute eating. I'm working with someone to remedy that.
So, anyway, my new goal is to lose 5 kilos for Xmas. It's a small goal and one that I feel is achievable.
I promise also to post every week now and bring you all up to speed with my progress.
Cheers
Tuesday, 21 October 2008
Sunday, 4 May 2008
Undoing the bad habits of a lifetime
I'm currently studying Linguistics at university and I have been astounded by some of the case studies we have discussed. Without going into excessive detail about the "hows" and "whys" the upshot of what I have learnt is that if a child doesn't receive exposure to language by the time they are six years old, they will NEVER possess a grammar and will NEVER be able to speak sentences or make anything other than a 2 word utterance. Let me just re-emphasis this NEVER. No matter how much intervention or speech therapy is done later on in life that child will never be able to communicate or understand the concept of communication beyond the level of a 1-2 year old.
This is because the brain needs the positive influence of language to grow the areas of brain that facilitate speech and communication and after 6 years of age the damage is permanent.
This isn't a theory, it is a reality. A sad reality but it's the truth.
It ties in with a discussion I had about brain development with a friend last year concerning abused children and their brain development. These kids brains became hard-wired into certain responses that were impossible to change. With enormous therapy the child could trigger a fail safe to not physically respond in a certain way, but it would always be the brain's first response to react how it was hard-wired.
Anyway, what has any of this got to do with losing weight? Heaps. Some of us grew up in households where our parents taught us sensible eating for example, fruit for breakfast, plenty of exercise (as a preventative rather than a curative), low-fat, low-sugar foods, chocolate as a rare treat. Others grew up in households where "healthy" was making sure that children were given heaps of dairy, meat, potatoes and if junk food was around then it was okay every day, or every other day.
I grew up in the latter household, although curiously, my mother fed me the treats and my father took them away from me.
My first understanding of nutrition was provided by my friend Jennifer, who bought me a calorie-counter and explained that if I ate 1,000 calories a day (or less) that I would lose weight. Let's bear in mind that at that point in my life I should have been consuming about 2,400 calories. It was always going to end badly, and it did.
I have battled anorexia, bulimia, all sorts of diet and exercise fads, an abusive and miserably unhappy father, an over-indulgent mother and a grandmother who force fed us with the cries of "Think of the starving children in China" (No shit! She really did say that).
I grew up either stuffed or ravenous (from the self-starvation) and never, ever learnt about correct portion control and how to walk away from the table satisfied but not stuffed. My sister has, so I know that it's possible for our family to do it, but my sister also never got as enormous has I did.
To me, if I am not fully loaded I have this almost pathological fear that I am going to be starved and my brain tries to override my body . If I can get away from food for 20 minutes then I calm down and I can forget about it and be okay.
I am trying to undo a lifetime of bad behaviours and yet I still become so sad when I slip up and think that I am a failure because society thinks that I am if I can't get slim and stay slim.
It is impossible to explain to someone who has merely "struggled" to keep their weight within 5-10 kilograms. I know that it is a struggle for everyone, but when you are battling your own bad hard wiring which screams at you "eat this food before someone takes it away or before you have to diet again" it becomes a monumental life-obsession.
I think about food, diet, and exercise every waking moment of my life. I am literally obsessed by it. Earlier last year I would skip lectures to go to exercise classes and then panic when I couldn't get my study done.
I still have an eating disorder, I will have an eating disorder for the rest of my life. This is not me giving up, this is me accepting that I have spent much of the last 40 years fighting with myself about food.
I can put all the plans on the fridge that I want, I can work on motivation for the rest of my fucking life (and I can guarantee I have done more motivational, and goal-setting workshops than anyone who reads this post) but deep down I have hard-wired my brain to ignore satiety and to believe that I will always be a fat kid.
I have started seeing an eating-disorder specialist who works with severe cases of anorexia and bulimia and she told me after our first session that to have made it as far as I have without ever having had any professional help is a miracle. Apparently most people in my situation become extremely ill, die, or kill themselves if they don't receive help.
Anyway, I'm not sure what I want to say here to you today other than, I know that some of you think that I am weak and have no-self control. I picked that up from a few conversations in the past. So I'd just like to say this to those of you who do believe that I am weak-willed ...
I could have laid down years ago and given up, I could have let myself slide into obesity, or continue to binge and purge until I ended up without teeth and suffering osteoporosis, or I could have taken Speed to stay slim for the rest of my life, instead I chose to try to face this head-on and get help and work out a framework to support my mind and body and at least try to live a lifestyle that is 2nd-nature to you.
I'm happy for those of you who know when you've had enough to eat and can walk away from the table without severe feelings of deprivation. You're lucky if you have this, even if you've worked hard to keep it that way you're still luckier than the millions of people out there who cannot seem to master this "simple" habit that you do everyday.
I have not mastered this yet, but I am still trying, I am not weak.
This is because the brain needs the positive influence of language to grow the areas of brain that facilitate speech and communication and after 6 years of age the damage is permanent.
This isn't a theory, it is a reality. A sad reality but it's the truth.
It ties in with a discussion I had about brain development with a friend last year concerning abused children and their brain development. These kids brains became hard-wired into certain responses that were impossible to change. With enormous therapy the child could trigger a fail safe to not physically respond in a certain way, but it would always be the brain's first response to react how it was hard-wired.
Anyway, what has any of this got to do with losing weight? Heaps. Some of us grew up in households where our parents taught us sensible eating for example, fruit for breakfast, plenty of exercise (as a preventative rather than a curative), low-fat, low-sugar foods, chocolate as a rare treat. Others grew up in households where "healthy" was making sure that children were given heaps of dairy, meat, potatoes and if junk food was around then it was okay every day, or every other day.
I grew up in the latter household, although curiously, my mother fed me the treats and my father took them away from me.
My first understanding of nutrition was provided by my friend Jennifer, who bought me a calorie-counter and explained that if I ate 1,000 calories a day (or less) that I would lose weight. Let's bear in mind that at that point in my life I should have been consuming about 2,400 calories. It was always going to end badly, and it did.
I have battled anorexia, bulimia, all sorts of diet and exercise fads, an abusive and miserably unhappy father, an over-indulgent mother and a grandmother who force fed us with the cries of "Think of the starving children in China" (No shit! She really did say that).
I grew up either stuffed or ravenous (from the self-starvation) and never, ever learnt about correct portion control and how to walk away from the table satisfied but not stuffed. My sister has, so I know that it's possible for our family to do it, but my sister also never got as enormous has I did.
To me, if I am not fully loaded I have this almost pathological fear that I am going to be starved and my brain tries to override my body . If I can get away from food for 20 minutes then I calm down and I can forget about it and be okay.
I am trying to undo a lifetime of bad behaviours and yet I still become so sad when I slip up and think that I am a failure because society thinks that I am if I can't get slim and stay slim.
It is impossible to explain to someone who has merely "struggled" to keep their weight within 5-10 kilograms. I know that it is a struggle for everyone, but when you are battling your own bad hard wiring which screams at you "eat this food before someone takes it away or before you have to diet again" it becomes a monumental life-obsession.
I think about food, diet, and exercise every waking moment of my life. I am literally obsessed by it. Earlier last year I would skip lectures to go to exercise classes and then panic when I couldn't get my study done.
I still have an eating disorder, I will have an eating disorder for the rest of my life. This is not me giving up, this is me accepting that I have spent much of the last 40 years fighting with myself about food.
I can put all the plans on the fridge that I want, I can work on motivation for the rest of my fucking life (and I can guarantee I have done more motivational, and goal-setting workshops than anyone who reads this post) but deep down I have hard-wired my brain to ignore satiety and to believe that I will always be a fat kid.
I have started seeing an eating-disorder specialist who works with severe cases of anorexia and bulimia and she told me after our first session that to have made it as far as I have without ever having had any professional help is a miracle. Apparently most people in my situation become extremely ill, die, or kill themselves if they don't receive help.
Anyway, I'm not sure what I want to say here to you today other than, I know that some of you think that I am weak and have no-self control. I picked that up from a few conversations in the past. So I'd just like to say this to those of you who do believe that I am weak-willed ...
I could have laid down years ago and given up, I could have let myself slide into obesity, or continue to binge and purge until I ended up without teeth and suffering osteoporosis, or I could have taken Speed to stay slim for the rest of my life, instead I chose to try to face this head-on and get help and work out a framework to support my mind and body and at least try to live a lifestyle that is 2nd-nature to you.
I'm happy for those of you who know when you've had enough to eat and can walk away from the table without severe feelings of deprivation. You're lucky if you have this, even if you've worked hard to keep it that way you're still luckier than the millions of people out there who cannot seem to master this "simple" habit that you do everyday.
I have not mastered this yet, but I am still trying, I am not weak.
Wednesday, 23 January 2008
New Year, New Admissions
Okay, so I haven't posted for months. I blame school holidays and a child who refuses to leave me alone for a moment as well as a few other things that I will get to.
I haven't hopped on the scales for 2 weeks. I had managed to get my weight down to the lowest point in about 10 months and then literally overnight I gained 2 kilos from a binge on cherries and red wine. Talk about PISSED OFF.
I haven't been able to follow my gym routine; hubby has been working like a Trojan and I have had to fit Personal Training sessions in around the availability of willing friends and babysitters.
Anyway, a New Year is always a great time to start re-evaluating your eating, drinking and other bad habits. Why? Well for me it always seems to be a perfect time to wipe away the mistakes of the past and start with a clean slate. Kind of like "Born-again Dieter" if you will.
So with that in mind I need to make a few very gut-wrenching admissions
Firstly, I am suffering from quite severe depression; and I have been for a very long time, years in fact. This current bout became exacerbated during my trip to London and worsened after hormone treatment for IVF that eventually saw me collapsing at work with my team leader wiping my head down with a wet cloth until I was able to get up and go home.
Taking time off work and cleaning out the clutter has forced me to face up to what I have been avoiding looking at for a long time; work kept my energies focused elsewhere and the clutter hid things that I didn't want to deal with, unpaid bills, un-filed tax forms (8 years worth), anger over so many stupid things I have done in the past.
I have hid my pain over the years because I have been in rooms and in groups where the discussion has been about a mutual acquaintance suffering depression and it has generally been negative comments. "Oh, he/she should just get over it." "What has he/she got to be depressed about?" or my favourite scathing comment, "Oh, she should just put some make up on and go out" (I agreed with the make up comment, but when you are chronically depressed sometimes just getting out of bed is impossible).
It is true that I don't have anything to be depressed about, I have a large personal fortune thanks to Microsoft and some fabulous superannuation packages from the 80s. I have a gorgeous husband who is smart, funny and an excellent provider, I have a beautiful son, who, although he is a handful is still a joy to have around. But depression isn't about what you have or don't have; although I have discovered a lot of depressed people over-indulge in shopping, food, alcohol, betting etc to fill the emptiness that is inside them from the loneliness of depression.
I am on a mental-health plan devised by the GP and medication. Shortly, I will be seeing a professional to seek ongoing support.
I am telling you this, not to seek pity or sympathy but because I believe that mental illness affects so many of us because we cannot speak out about it. If I had heart disease or diabetes I could take my meds, get professional help and live a life without too much fear of judgement from those I hold dear to my heart.
I realise that people with mental illness can be harder to live with; the mood swings, the sadness, the inability to do anything, and sometimes not understanding how we could be so unable to help ourselves.
I am not suicidal, not even close, but I am very tired and I need understanding and your patience; I am not always able to participate in group activities or make it to functions. Sometimes the mere thought of venturing out into public fills me with such dread that I find something else that needs to be done at home. Sometimes I'm not even aware of it.
Leaving the comfort of my work environment, where I am surrounded by people who genuinely love and care for me has been a great undoing for me. But I had to get away and make the effort to get back on my feet without them.
So, my focus this year is going to be on getting well mentally and maintaining and improving my fitness regime. My physical body is in much better shape than at the start of 2007 and in 2007 it was better than 2006.
Next week I will start back at my yoga classes to reduce my stress and I will be making contact with people to drop in and visit. Socialising one-on-one is something that is extremely good for my mental health and I always walk away feeling as though I can fight on again for another day.
I promise that this year I will post more regularly, no matter what the scales are telling me, and when I have some courage, I will tell you what my weight is.
All the best
I haven't hopped on the scales for 2 weeks. I had managed to get my weight down to the lowest point in about 10 months and then literally overnight I gained 2 kilos from a binge on cherries and red wine. Talk about PISSED OFF.
I haven't been able to follow my gym routine; hubby has been working like a Trojan and I have had to fit Personal Training sessions in around the availability of willing friends and babysitters.
Anyway, a New Year is always a great time to start re-evaluating your eating, drinking and other bad habits. Why? Well for me it always seems to be a perfect time to wipe away the mistakes of the past and start with a clean slate. Kind of like "Born-again Dieter" if you will.
So with that in mind I need to make a few very gut-wrenching admissions
Firstly, I am suffering from quite severe depression; and I have been for a very long time, years in fact. This current bout became exacerbated during my trip to London and worsened after hormone treatment for IVF that eventually saw me collapsing at work with my team leader wiping my head down with a wet cloth until I was able to get up and go home.
Taking time off work and cleaning out the clutter has forced me to face up to what I have been avoiding looking at for a long time; work kept my energies focused elsewhere and the clutter hid things that I didn't want to deal with, unpaid bills, un-filed tax forms (8 years worth), anger over so many stupid things I have done in the past.
I have hid my pain over the years because I have been in rooms and in groups where the discussion has been about a mutual acquaintance suffering depression and it has generally been negative comments. "Oh, he/she should just get over it." "What has he/she got to be depressed about?" or my favourite scathing comment, "Oh, she should just put some make up on and go out" (I agreed with the make up comment, but when you are chronically depressed sometimes just getting out of bed is impossible).
It is true that I don't have anything to be depressed about, I have a large personal fortune thanks to Microsoft and some fabulous superannuation packages from the 80s. I have a gorgeous husband who is smart, funny and an excellent provider, I have a beautiful son, who, although he is a handful is still a joy to have around. But depression isn't about what you have or don't have; although I have discovered a lot of depressed people over-indulge in shopping, food, alcohol, betting etc to fill the emptiness that is inside them from the loneliness of depression.
I am on a mental-health plan devised by the GP and medication. Shortly, I will be seeing a professional to seek ongoing support.
I am telling you this, not to seek pity or sympathy but because I believe that mental illness affects so many of us because we cannot speak out about it. If I had heart disease or diabetes I could take my meds, get professional help and live a life without too much fear of judgement from those I hold dear to my heart.
I realise that people with mental illness can be harder to live with; the mood swings, the sadness, the inability to do anything, and sometimes not understanding how we could be so unable to help ourselves.
I am not suicidal, not even close, but I am very tired and I need understanding and your patience; I am not always able to participate in group activities or make it to functions. Sometimes the mere thought of venturing out into public fills me with such dread that I find something else that needs to be done at home. Sometimes I'm not even aware of it.
Leaving the comfort of my work environment, where I am surrounded by people who genuinely love and care for me has been a great undoing for me. But I had to get away and make the effort to get back on my feet without them.
So, my focus this year is going to be on getting well mentally and maintaining and improving my fitness regime. My physical body is in much better shape than at the start of 2007 and in 2007 it was better than 2006.
Next week I will start back at my yoga classes to reduce my stress and I will be making contact with people to drop in and visit. Socialising one-on-one is something that is extremely good for my mental health and I always walk away feeling as though I can fight on again for another day.
I promise that this year I will post more regularly, no matter what the scales are telling me, and when I have some courage, I will tell you what my weight is.
All the best
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