New Year, New Admissions

Okay, so I haven't posted for months. I blame school holidays and a child who refuses to leave me alone for a moment as well as a few other things that I will get to.

I haven't hopped on the scales for 2 weeks. I had managed to get my weight down to the lowest point in about 10 months and then literally overnight I gained 2 kilos from a binge on cherries and red wine. Talk about PISSED OFF.

I haven't been able to follow my gym routine; hubby has been working like a Trojan and I have had to fit Personal Training sessions in around the availability of willing friends and babysitters.

Anyway, a New Year is always a great time to start re-evaluating your eating, drinking and other bad habits. Why? Well for me it always seems to be a perfect time to wipe away the mistakes of the past and start with a clean slate. Kind of like "Born-again Dieter" if you will.

So with that in mind I need to make a few very gut-wrenching admissions

Firstly, I am suffering from quite severe depression; and I have been for a very long time, years in fact. This current bout became exacerbated during my trip to London and worsened after hormone treatment for IVF that eventually saw me collapsing at work with my team leader wiping my head down with a wet cloth until I was able to get up and go home.

Taking time off work and cleaning out the clutter has forced me to face up to what I have been avoiding looking at for a long time; work kept my energies focused elsewhere and the clutter hid things that I didn't want to deal with, unpaid bills, un-filed tax forms (8 years worth), anger over so many stupid things I have done in the past.

I have hid my pain over the years because I have been in rooms and in groups where the discussion has been about a mutual acquaintance suffering depression and it has generally been negative comments. "Oh, he/she should just get over it." "What has he/she got to be depressed about?" or my favourite scathing comment, "Oh, she should just put some make up on and go out" (I agreed with the make up comment, but when you are chronically depressed sometimes just getting out of bed is impossible).

It is true that I don't have anything to be depressed about, I have a large personal fortune thanks to Microsoft and some fabulous superannuation packages from the 80s. I have a gorgeous husband who is smart, funny and an excellent provider, I have a beautiful son, who, although he is a handful is still a joy to have around. But depression isn't about what you have or don't have; although I have discovered a lot of depressed people over-indulge in shopping, food, alcohol, betting etc to fill the emptiness that is inside them from the loneliness of depression.

I am on a mental-health plan devised by the GP and medication. Shortly, I will be seeing a professional to seek ongoing support.

I am telling you this, not to seek pity or sympathy but because I believe that mental illness affects so many of us because we cannot speak out about it. If I had heart disease or diabetes I could take my meds, get professional help and live a life without too much fear of judgement from those I hold dear to my heart.

I realise that people with mental illness can be harder to live with; the mood swings, the sadness, the inability to do anything, and sometimes not understanding how we could be so unable to help ourselves.

I am not suicidal, not even close, but I am very tired and I need understanding and your patience; I am not always able to participate in group activities or make it to functions. Sometimes the mere thought of venturing out into public fills me with such dread that I find something else that needs to be done at home. Sometimes I'm not even aware of it.

Leaving the comfort of my work environment, where I am surrounded by people who genuinely love and care for me has been a great undoing for me. But I had to get away and make the effort to get back on my feet without them.

So, my focus this year is going to be on getting well mentally and maintaining and improving my fitness regime. My physical body is in much better shape than at the start of 2007 and in 2007 it was better than 2006.

Next week I will start back at my yoga classes to reduce my stress and I will be making contact with people to drop in and visit. Socialising one-on-one is something that is extremely good for my mental health and I always walk away feeling as though I can fight on again for another day.

I promise that this year I will post more regularly, no matter what the scales are telling me, and when I have some courage, I will tell you what my weight is.

All the best